I really don’t even know how to start this blog post. If you asked me even just a week ago if I’d ever write this, I would’ve said ‘probably not.. maybe someday’ and left it at that. Sometimes it’s hard to share certain things when they’re raw and real..
I’m staring at a blank screen, feeling like there’s a million words to say and then again there’s also none to say all at the same time. But I’ve dodged the questions + messages and things from lots of you for weeks now, and it’s really hard (emotionally) to keep getting messages about this so.. here we go.
Kristopher and I are no longer engaged. Our engagement ended back towards the end of May.. There really isn’t any easy way to share or say that – and it’s something I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say, write, or go through.
Some of you have noticed I have been quiet about ‘wedding’ things and asked. Others of you may have wondered and not said anything. My presence on social media has been super sporadic and my blog has gotten 0 attention since.. simply because I just needed to take care of me.
It’s been the hardest 3 months of my life. I’m not going to sugar coat anything here.. I’ve been a basket case. I’ve cried more than I knew humanly possible. The first month was excruciating and there were days I didn’t leave my bed because I just couldn’t. The pain of dealing with a loss like this seems too hard to even bear – it’s suffocating. There was no way I could pop on social media and plaster a smile on my face, telling you guys about what I ate that day, what I was wearing, what I got at Trader Joe’s.. etc. In reality, I barely ate for a month, didn’t leave my house, didn’t change out of pajamas, and didn’t go one place we would ever go together. It was just too hard..
I’m writing this post totally blindly, and just letting the words come out as I type, not hitting backspace or trying to ‘perfect’ anything about it, because there really isn’t anything perfect about it.
I’m sure most of you are wondering ‘omg what happened!’ – and my response to that is, even though my life is on social media.. only about 10% of it actually is. and I’ll forever keep it that way. Some things are personal and not meant to be shared. With Kristopher and I, that’s how it is – I’ve always kept my personal life/relationship more to myself, because that’s how I wanted it to be. To put that into perspective, we were actually together nearly 5 years and I always kept us private. And the beauty of being a blogger is, I choose what to share, how, when, and why. But I will say, there was nothing majorly awful that happened – no cheating, or ‘I don’t love you anymore’, or anything along those lines. It was a decision we both made mutually for various reasons.
We love each other very much, still and always will. We support one another, and have remained cordial and friends. Our hearts are completely broken, and that’s something only time can heal.
I realize I’m blessed to be able to take time I need, when I need it, to put a lot of things in my life on hold and start to heal. Walking through grief is hard. The first moments, days, and weeks following something traumatic are intense. I honestly hardly remember those first few weeks – it’s a total blur. I had a ton of trips on my plate so had to go on all of them – they were a good little escape and distraction while away, but as soon as I was home, I was hit with a wall of emotion and all the feelings rushed back. It’s like they were just there waiting for me, each time, and I was once again, faced with the reality that my daily life, routines, and future was no longer as I knew it. I’m still not used to it. I’ve only just started to cook meals at home again, and go to some places that we used to go (restaurants for dates, coffee spots, even Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s). It was just too hard to do those things.. a meltdown in Whole Foods was all I needed to know I couldn’t force or rush through grief and the healing of it.
I’ve needed so much time for myself and incredible emotional support the last few months. My best friend actually went through the same thing a few years ago and has been an actual angel, checking on me every single day, making sure I’m still alive (ha), and listening with an understanding ear my thousand different emotions that are constantly changing, spiking, crashing, and all over the place. When God brought us into each other’s lives nearly 7 years ago, I knew it was a friendship I needed, and now I know that more than ever. Amy, thank you – I love you more than you will ever know! <3
And as for what’s next? I have no idea.For Kristopher and I, we will see where time takes us. Maybe our paths will bring each other back to one another, or maybe they will lead somewhere else. I’m just working on waking up and facing one day at at time, working through what that day brings, the emotions of it all, and finding a new normal, a new routine, and getting back to work things. Trying my best to focus on myself, take care of me, get into a healthy eating routine again, making time for workouts, etc. As for all of you, thank you guys for your support and understanding – from followers not getting messages back to brands being so understanding about me needing to postpone a project, post, trip, or what have you. I’m grateful beyond what I can possibly explain.
And as for this post.. I am terrified to hit publish and to share an extremely personal, raw part of me. This is just the real, painful hurt I’m sitting in right now, and putting that out on the internet is kind of scary. It’s just important to remember that bloggers are real people too, with real emotions, and we go through real things. We don’t always have to share the pretty, perfect parts about life – we can share this stuff and it be okay. Just like you’d pick up the phone and share a bad day with a friend, I can pick up mine and share a bad day or frustrating moment, or life situation with you guys.
If you’ve walked through a tough relationship loss, broken engagement, or even a marriage ending not how you would have though, I’m sending you huge hugs and prayers today.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart (in advance) for your support!
*These photos are from a styled wedding shoot that Kristopher and I did back in the winter right after we got engaged for a local photographer + some vendors. I never got to share them with you guys, and decided to keep the ones of Kristopher and I private for us, but here’s two outtakes from the shoot. It came out beautiful and I will always cherish them!
My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us.
Sending all the love and support your way! Stay strong and take as much time as you need!
I’m so sorry Marissa – my husband and I went through the same thing when we were engaged and things ended up working out months later – always have hope and keep shining bright. Xo
I don’t know how you mustered the courage to write so beautifully about your heartbreak. May you both find peace and happiness on the other side of wherever life leads you.
Marissa, I commend you for sharing such a raw and personal post. I’ve been following you for a few years now and truly enjoy your account for your real-ness. I went through a terrible breakup back in March. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. There were days that I wished I could erase every wonderful memory because the pain was too much to deal with. I was given advice from a colleague that actually helped. She told me to “take one day at a time”. As simple as those words are, I truly delved into the meaning and I did just what she told me. I took each day at a time. I slowly became myself after sometime because each day the pain becomes a microscopic bit less. You will get through this. Praying for you and your happiness. Xoxo
You are beautiful and classy Marissa. That being said when you meet your forever love, he is going to be one lucky man. Your heart is kind and you are beautiful on the inside and out.
Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal journey with us. You know you are like our daughter and we love you very much! The Lord has and will continue to have great plans for your life! You deserve the very best!💞
I am in Tears. I too know this pain all too well. My break up was 4 years ago and I still have moments. I won’t give you advice as I’m sure you got what you need from your close friends. But I will share some prayers and warm hugs with you. May The Lord bless you and guide you. May you hold on to his love and plan for your life. He’s got you Marissa.
Sending you lots of love and strength during this time 💕💕💕
Marissa, you are truly an inspiration and role model for writing this post and being so elegant, even through the toughest moments. Sending all of my love your way, and just know your strength is an inspiration to so many.
You are so real and so honest – this just makes you that much more relatable and likeable as a blogger. The not so perfect moments/times you share reassures us that what looks perfect, what some of us may envy, isn’t always perfect just like the times your viewers go through. From personal experience with something similar to your situation – TIME HEALS. Be patient with yourself. Day by day nothing seems to change – but one day you’ll wake up, and it won’t be the first thing you think about. Celebrate the little victories. XOXO
Being so open and vulnerable like this is very scary. I also think it is healing and you will find that down the road. Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes the downs are really down. You’re a human first and foremost and you need not hide who you are or feel like you need to sugar coat anything so applause to you for being YOU. I hope you find peace and healing soon and remember to just love yourself tremendously. You came from light and love and are light and love. You will feel your light shine bright again soon enough. Take care. Xo
Sending lots of love and strength your way as you continue to navigate through this. So brave of you to share, stay strong.
Marissa, I am sending you lots of love and prayers through this hard time. I cannot imagine what you are going through. We have never met but I feel like we are “friends” since I have followed you for so long, and my heart is breaking for you. Keep holding your head high, great things are going to come for you!!
Prayers and love dear one. My heart has known loss in similar ways. I pray for both of you, that you will have peace, comfort and healing for what each of you both need. God bless!
My heart feels for you. Love following you. Just wanted you to know.
No advice, but will be sending strength, positive thoughts, and gentle healing your way…
I’m so very sorry for your loss breakup your grief etc I’ve been there done that I also lost my fiancé to death in 1998 he was on his motorcycle a cement truck hit him he was 27 I was 30 at the time he was the love of my life. I haven’t found anyone close to the way he was he treated me like a princess I’m going to pray for you every night that you will get through this and your days get better and it will I promise you. Lisa.
Sending you prayers hugs hope And a rainbow 🌈 God’s close to the broken hearted don’t forget that.
I’m so hurt for you. I’ve been through a similar thing in my life but I won’t go into it bc this is about you. If someone can break up with you then I don’t see how any of us have a chance. You don’t deserve any of this. I’m not sure why but you will find MR right. If it’s him it is or it may be someone totally different. Prayers your way. God bless
Wow. Justvstartes following you recently…….would have NEVER known. You are so beautiful, (and I dont only mean on the outside). Your energy is so great, your content so inviting, that I would have never guessed you had been through something like this. You make me want to get up and tackle every day with a positive energy, and I am grateful. Looks like God had a plan, and you’re coming out the other end of it bigger and better. God Bless you