I really don’t even know how to start this blog post. If you asked me even just a week ago if I’d ever write this, I would’ve said ‘probably not.. maybe someday’ and left it at that. Sometimes it’s hard to share certain things when they’re raw and real..
I’m staring at a blank screen, feeling like there’s a million words to say and then again there’s also none to say all at the same time. But I’ve dodged the questions + messages and things from lots of you for weeks now, and it’s really hard (emotionally) to keep getting messages about this so.. here we go.
Kristopher and I are no longer engaged. Our engagement ended back towards the end of May.. There really isn’t any easy way to share or say that – and it’s something I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say, write, or go through.
Some of you have noticed I have been quiet about ‘wedding’ things and asked. Others of you may have wondered and not said anything. My presence on social media has been super sporadic and my blog has gotten 0 attention since.. simply because I just needed to take care of me.
It’s been the hardest 3 months of my life. I’m not going to sugar coat anything here.. I’ve been a basket case. I’ve cried more than I knew humanly possible. The first month was excruciating and there were days I didn’t leave my bed because I just couldn’t. The pain of dealing with a loss like this seems too hard to even bear – it’s suffocating. There was no way I could pop on social media and plaster a smile on my face, telling you guys about what I ate that day, what I was wearing, what I got at Trader Joe’s.. etc. In reality, I barely ate for a month, didn’t leave my house, didn’t change out of pajamas, and didn’t go one place we would ever go together. It was just too hard..
I’m writing this post totally blindly, and just letting the words come out as I type, not hitting backspace or trying to ‘perfect’ anything about it, because there really isn’t anything perfect about it.
I’m sure most of you are wondering ‘omg what happened!’ – and my response to that is, even though my life is on social media.. only about 10% of it actually is. and I’ll forever keep it that way. Some things are personal and not meant to be shared. With Kristopher and I, that’s how it is – I’ve always kept my personal life/relationship more to myself, because that’s how I wanted it to be. To put that into perspective, we were actually together nearly 5 years and I always kept us private. And the beauty of being a blogger is, I choose what to share, how, when, and why. But I will say, there was nothing majorly awful that happened – no cheating, or ‘I don’t love you anymore’, or anything along those lines. It was a decision we both made mutually for various reasons.
We love each other very much, still and always will. We support one another, and have remained cordial and friends. Our hearts are completely broken, and that’s something only time can heal.
I realize I’m blessed to be able to take time I need, when I need it, to put a lot of things in my life on hold and start to heal. Walking through grief is hard. The first moments, days, and weeks following something traumatic are intense. I honestly hardly remember those first few weeks – it’s a total blur. I had a ton of trips on my plate so had to go on all of them – they were a good little escape and distraction while away, but as soon as I was home, I was hit with a wall of emotion and all the feelings rushed back. It’s like they were just there waiting for me, each time, and I was once again, faced with the reality that my daily life, routines, and future was no longer as I knew it. I’m still not used to it. I’ve only just started to cook meals at home again, and go to some places that we used to go (restaurants for dates, coffee spots, even Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s). It was just too hard to do those things.. a meltdown in Whole Foods was all I needed to know I couldn’t force or rush through grief and the healing of it.
I’ve needed so much time for myself and incredible emotional support the last few months. My best friend actually went through the same thing a few years ago and has been an actual angel, checking on me every single day, making sure I’m still alive (ha), and listening with an understanding ear my thousand different emotions that are constantly changing, spiking, crashing, and all over the place. When God brought us into each other’s lives nearly 7 years ago, I knew it was a friendship I needed, and now I know that more than ever. Amy, thank you – I love you more than you will ever know! <3
And as for what’s next? I have no idea.For Kristopher and I, we will see where time takes us. Maybe our paths will bring each other back to one another, or maybe they will lead somewhere else. I’m just working on waking up and facing one day at at time, working through what that day brings, the emotions of it all, and finding a new normal, a new routine, and getting back to work things. Trying my best to focus on myself, take care of me, get into a healthy eating routine again, making time for workouts, etc. As for all of you, thank you guys for your support and understanding – from followers not getting messages back to brands being so understanding about me needing to postpone a project, post, trip, or what have you. I’m grateful beyond what I can possibly explain.
And as for this post.. I am terrified to hit publish and to share an extremely personal, raw part of me. This is just the real, painful hurt I’m sitting in right now, and putting that out on the internet is kind of scary. It’s just important to remember that bloggers are real people too, with real emotions, and we go through real things. We don’t always have to share the pretty, perfect parts about life – we can share this stuff and it be okay. Just like you’d pick up the phone and share a bad day with a friend, I can pick up mine and share a bad day or frustrating moment, or life situation with you guys.
If you’ve walked through a tough relationship loss, broken engagement, or even a marriage ending not how you would have though, I’m sending you huge hugs and prayers today.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart (in advance) for your support!
*These photos are from a styled wedding shoot that Kristopher and I did back in the winter right after we got engaged for a local photographer + some vendors. I never got to share them with you guys, and decided to keep the ones of Kristopher and I private for us, but here’s two outtakes from the shoot. It came out beautiful and I will always cherish them!